After A Long, Cheap, Summer

I spent a couple of months looking for summer jobs close to where I live - at restaurants, liquor stores and the like. While most of the places were hiring, none of them were hiring me. The low point was when I failed to get a job at effin' McDicks, even though I had an in with a manager. Apparently I failed the pre-interview questionnaire, a 30 question ordeal that resembled a Facebook quiz.

This shit has gone too far, I thought, and at that moment, the obvious answer came to me - go back to the old gas station. I returned to the Shell in Oak Bay, where I spent one happy month or so last summer. I left to return to the more lucrative (snicker) Safeway, but I've always missed it.

After a bit of badgering the manager, I got my old job back, with the understanding that it was only for a month or so. More on that in a moment. It's a beautiful place to work. The customers are easygoing, the staff are friendly, and I can play my Game Boy during the slow periods. Yes, it is still a shit job, but it could be a lot worse. As I said, it's only for a month...

I'm going to do Katimavik. It's a nine-month volunteer program, fully funded by the federal government, and I leave October 7th. I expect to have many adventures, which I will tell you about in time.

Meanwhile, here are some pro tips for working at gas stations:

1. I've said it before, but seriously, coffee is key. It makes you a better person, and customers like that.

2. When cleaning lint traps in the adjacent laundromat, it's not good to open them by kicking the key into its hole with a steel toed boot. This leads to broken keys. Who would have thought?

3. Don't take shifts with a meth head.

Fuck you, random internet blog.

I was wandering around the nets and I ran into this blog. After reading the article, I tried to right-click back the previous page, and this little alert box came up to notify me that I was trying to steal copyrighted material. Since I wasn't, that pissed me off. Here's the content they didn't want me to steal so very badly. You can still copy and paste it. Doh. I will not credit the original author because they're a douchebag. You can find it with Google if you really must.

Joe,

Couldn't believe my Eyes!

Walked into Sam's Club in SBY today at noon with mother,wife and kids.

There was a table in the entry where they check your club card and faster than I could get my card back in my wallet an employee was handing my two daughters actual prescription pill bottles with candy packed in them. What the ...???

Now my 3 year old thinks all prescription pill bottles are just tasty snacks...
What in the world are they thinking over there?

There will be some calls on Monday morning from SBY to Arkansas to be sure.
I'm pissed, really pissed, what kind of pharmacy marketing is this...???

Meh. Who cares.

Unemployment

So I finally sucked it up and quit Safeway. For realz this time. They won't take me back even if I ask. That was last week and I've been vaguely looking for a new job since then, but I don't really wanna. I've got enough cash for awhile...

Mainly, I'm just languishing in the fact that I never have to put another plastic bag on another 4-liter of milk ever again. Nevernevernever. I have learned. I've done a grocery store, and I've learned that it friggin' sucks ass, so I'm not going to do that again. I'm going to get some sort of qualification and get a decent job where I can sit down and take my coffee break when I damn well feel like it. Upthapunk, etc.

Yeah, it's kinda boring now, nothing to do but internet and wander around town. But I'll take a little more boredom, for now...

Hypothetical

So. Let me stress, none of the following is stuff that I have ever actually done, nor would ever, EVER do, because I am a good, responsible employee who is respectful and hardworking and not psychotic at all.

Anyway, the following is a list of things you can apparently do at Safeway and still not be fired yet.

• Call your supervisor a dick, over the phone, when customers can hear
  
  
• Ask another supervisor "What the hell is your problem?" when she speaks too sharply to you.
  
  
• Snap at other employees occasionally, things along the lines of "Fucking answer when I ask a question!"
  
  
• Flatly say "no" when a customer asks for a second plastic bag, even when another customer who overhears complains to management.
  
  
• Rack up one verbal warning, 2 written ones, one get-sent-home and one 1 day suspension. In less than 6 months.
  

Obviously someone (not me) who would do things like this needs to learn to control their language, as well as their temper.

It's possible that a hypothetical employee might do things like that, though. If driven to the point of pure rage by careless and incompetent management; if forced to remain in a position that they are uniquely unsuited to even after attempts to switch departments; if they routinely interact with customers who seem to get progressively dumber with age...someone might begin to lose their self control a bit, sometimes.

This is not good. Such a person needs to find a new job, very, very soon.

The Promised Long Post

Yea, so. I had a few thoughts after reading this blog post by Hugh MacLeod, a very cool, if somewhat self-congratulatory, artist. I've been trying to sort out my thoughts on God, religion, Christianity, etc, and how it fits with all my new, and unavoidable, education. What I came up with is more or less this:

When the Israelites were let out of Egypt, they were free, but they were still slaves. That is, they still had the slave mentality; the idea that someone else should be responsible for taking care of them. They didn't want to take that responsibility themselves. They asked God for a king to tell them what to do, for rules, so they wouldn't have to think. God, being kind and indulgent, said, "Fine. Have some rules, here you go. And a king, if you must." Thus, the 10 commandments and King David. Thus, the rest of Leviticus, Deuteronomy, etc.

The bible contradicts itself and chases itself in circles so much that it's almost as if it's trying to point out how silly the rules are. "Thou shalt not kill," but also, "if your son is disobedient, have him stoned at the city gates". Other silly rules about not combing two different kinds of thread in the same garment. No one can follow all of them, and it's ridiculous to try. So you look past all that, try to see if you're missing something, and there it is, a simpler way. Not necessarily easier, but simpler. Just love.

The whole point of the stupid thing is to tell us the one thing God really wants us to do, which is love on another. All the rest will follow. Just in case you're so twisted that you don't even remember what love is, it's explained in detail in 1 Cor 13; 4-8. "Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous, it is not arrogant." It is possibly the only verse in the entire book that actually makes sense. If it's the only one you ever read, and you live by it, that is enough to live properly. Trying to follow all the bullshit rules in the Old Testament will get you nowhere.

I may revise this later, reinforce my reasoning a bit, y'know.

Suicide Is Painless

I had no idea that the theme song from MASH had a title, nor lyrics, nor that they were so deliciously dark. The music was composed by Johnny Mandel, and the lyrics by Robert Altman.

Suicide is Painless

Through early morning fog I see visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see . . .
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make all our little joys relate
Without that ever-present hate but now I know that it’s too late,
and . . .That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The game of life is hard to play. I’m gonna lose it anyway.
The losing card I’ll someday lay so this is all I have to say.
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The only way to win is cheat and lay it down before I’m beat,
and to another give my seat for that’s the only painless feat.
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The sword of time will pierce our skins it doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in the pain grows stronger . . . watch it grin, but . . .
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

A brave man once requested me to answer questions that are key
'Is it to be or not to be' and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.
And you can do the same thing if you choose.

Well, fuck

Life sucks, everything sucks, I'm-a go jump out a window now.


Here's Allan Ginsberg, feeling insane:

...I'm with you in Rockland
where you scream in a straightjacket that you're
losing the game of the actual pingpong of the abyss
I'm with you in Rockland
where you bang on the catatonic piano the soul
is innocent and immortal it should never die
ungodly in an armed madhouse
I'm with you in Rockland
where fifty more shocks will never return your
soul to its body again from its pilgrimage to a
cross in the void ...

Hey Allan, I'm with you in Rockland, wherever the hell that is.

My Awesome Boss

One of our managers got snippy at 3 am and posted this on Facebook; I now reproduce it for your enjoyment.

By Erin McLeese

I am your friendly neighbourhood Safeway employee. I have advanced technical certifications in braising meats and vegetables, candy making, party planning, family counselling and MMA Refereeing, as well as financial planning. And I know exactly what you need, when you need it - ask me anything, I have a catalogued index in my mind of the entire store.

Of course I understand you needed that cut of meat three hours ago, and I should have anticipated your needs before you came to the store and asked that the meat cutter make those cuts of meats for you before he left for the day. Would you like me to take your order for him? No I am sorry I cannot cut the meat for you, I am not in the meat cutters union.

Peanut butter is in aisle 16 on the right.

It is completely my fault, I am not in the meat cutters union and therefore cannot cut your meat; would you like to try this cut of meat instead? Or how about a rack of lamb? Your Great Aunt Matilda is allergic? I am sorry to hear that, what about chicken? It BBQ’s well and is a great alternative to beef.

Peanut butter is in aisle 16 on the right, would you like me to show you?

I am your Safeway Customer Service Rep. I am a Person in Charge, a Courtesy clerk, a Deli Clerk, a Cashier, a Seafood Clerk and Grocery Clerk. I am sorry that we are out of coke, we would have made more, but the fizz machine broke and we are wait listed to have it fixed. If I had known on Monday you wanted 25 two litres I would have ordered accordingly.

Yes Ma'am the peanut butter is still in Isle 16, would you like me to show you?

I am sincerely sorry that the Club Soda is on sale 4 for $10 and we did not order enough to ensure you got some. Would you like a rain check?

Sir, you look lost can I help you find something?

The peanut butter is in aisle 16, left hand side, can I show you? I am sure you are capable of counting to 16, I am just… ohhh… Cream of tartar? That would be in aisle 5 with the spices, would you like me to show you? You can find it just fine on your own, okay, when you can't see it let me know, I will help you see it.

Yes our Christmas candy is in the display in the front lobby, you did not see the display? Perhaps I can show you? It is marked by Christmas balloons and bruised and battered poinsettias that toddlers keep pulling on. You see perfectly fine on your own? okay, again let me know if you need me to show you.

Cellophane is in aisle 6, right next to the cooking oil, and peanut butter is in aisle 16 between the jam and the syrups on the right hand side, would you like me to show you? Yes I am sure you can follow directions... Sir, aisle 16 is on your other right.

No Ma’am I don’t really work here, I just wear the uniform and stock shelves when I come into shop, it helps me consider what I REALLY want to make for dinner tonight. Yes, I am being smart, but you have seen me here before and you ask this question every day before asking me where the peanut butter is, and it is STILL in aisle 16

No we do not sell our donuts frozen, Superstore does? Well they are in Langford Sir, would you like directions?

Would you like your groceries in paper or plastic bags? Would you like carry out service? You're right I can see that you are spritly and lively at the tender age of 75, how dare I insult you by following policy and offering you exceptional customer service.

Molasses is in aisle 16 next to the peanut butter, no I am not S**tin' you, it's considered a syrup in Q'bec, and we keep it with the syrups.

Thank-you for your patronage, please come again.

Obligatory

A kind of summing up, if you will. Since it's December, right. Cliche, but now's as good a time as any, and 2008 has been interesting.

2008 was:
Sex
Drugs
Rock'n'roll

Screwdrivers with Kim
Movies in the park
Philosophy with Tom at 2 am
Waking up in odd places and making my way home in the wee hours
3 or 4 different jobs
About 9 school credits
Playing drums in the band
Many, many new friends.

It was pretty good, for the most part. There were tense parts, but I think I've developed a new Zen approach, which is very healthy on the whole. It's been good.

Next year promises to be even more interesting. Possibly it is a good idea to take note of the old Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times." Now, for instance, life seems pretty excellent. I've done well in school and I've got a new, much cheaper place to live next year. I've got more friends now than at any other point in my life, and I've got plenty of money to spoil some loved ones at Christmas...
Yet...I've been snapping lately. This thing is called Shit Job Tales for a reason. And the job seems to be getting shittier. I've lost my temper with people who may or may not have deserved it several times in the last couple weeks...there's always a good reason to lose one's temper, but I never have before, so why now? I may have to quit before they actually fire me. Life goes...

Aaaaand we're back

Rough times over here. On the playslist:

Parents just don't understand (self explanatory)
Train in Vain (I got a job, but it don't pay)
Oops, I did it again (and again, and again)
My stupid mouth (I'm never speaking up again)
I Will Survive (though I might wish I hadn't)

Stressful times, but at least life is interesting.

Sometime in the near future, I need to essay my thoughts on faith and religion and god, and all that good stuff. I don't really feel up to it right now though...is going to be Srs Bzness, and requires a bit of run up. Ta.